Ask Sadie' - Sticky Situations
my kids aren't invited to the wedding
Q. My 9 and 12 year old are not invited to a sister's wedding. Since this is such close family, I feel it is rude to exclude them. What do you think?
A. Children at weddings is a difficult one.
It does seem to be increasingly common that children are not invited to weddings and I think this could be because couples are tending to get married later in life and hence a lot of their friends have children and this will bump the cost of the wedding up quite considerably.
I do sympathise with you and completely understand the reasons behind you wishing your children to be at the wedding, however I should think that the decision not to have children at the wedding was a very difficult one, and at the end of the day the couple's decision should be respected.
don't want gifts that aren't on our list
Q. As my home is very limited for storage space, I really can only home the gifts planned on the list. How can I politely inform guests?
A. Wedding etiquette is changing all the time. While guests are under no obligation to buy gifts, you will find that those attending your ceremony will almost certainly buy you a gift. Even ten years ago, gift lists weren't particularly common, and including one with your invitation would have been considered rude. Now it's standard practice - but that doesn't mean guests have to pick a present from one.
There is nothing wrong or presumptuous with having a wedding list. It is only considered bad taste if you try to force your wedding list onto your guests.
Spread the word to family and close friends that you are really limited for space and they can mention that to guests who ask. Word of mouth is the best way to guarantee your wishes, and not ruffle any feathers in the process!
who should walk me down the aisle?
Q. My parents are divorced, my mum remarried. The problem is, I have known my step-dad since I was 2, and have been raised by him. My father and I get along well, and have grown closer in recent years. Who walks me down the aisle?
A. Count yourself lucky to have two caring Dads! Why not make a feature of this and share the wedding honours between them. One Dad can give you away and one can make the speech at the reception. Perhaps the Dad who has brought you up all these years, putting up with all the growing pains and teenage angst, should be given the first choice.
Another alternative? Walk by yourself. The Church of England marriage ceremony has recently been altered to offer a mutual declaration of intent, rather than the traditional "who gives this woman..." After all, it is the two of you who are entering into this union of your own free will.
Just remember that if your two Dads really care about you, the last thing they will want to do is to upset your wedding plans; so explain how you feel and how you want to be fair to both of them. Be totally honest and open about your dilemma and let them know how much you appreciate both of them.
asking for cash instead of gifts
Q. We've been living together for two years, and don't need any of the traditional household appliances. Instead, we'd like to ask for money to put towards our honeymoon. How can we ask for it without offending people?
A. Asking for money was once a BIG no-no, but etiquette is slowly coming around on this issue. Having said this, it is still considered a faux pas to ask for cash outright. Spread the word to family and close friends that you are really hoping for cash and they can mention that to guests who ask. Word of mouth is the best way to guarantee your wishes, and not ruffle any feathers in the process!
You could also register with a gift service that allows you to add travel to the list. The confetti gift book features travel packages alongside more traditional items, like formal china and luxury bedlinens. Imagine having a whitewater rafting trip or dog-sledding break in Lapland on your wedding list. Voila - you're off on the holiday of your dreams!
inviting estranged relatives
Q. Am I obligated to invite an aunt that I really don't get along with?
A. Whether or not to invite an estranged relative to your wedding is a tough decision, and one that you should give careful consideration. You may feel obligated to invite your aunt because after all, a wedding is a family event. But if the mere thought of her makes you feel angry and upset, why should you risk feeling that way on the most important day of your life?
Ultimately, the decision to invite them should be based on circumstances surrounding the fall out. Sending your aunt an invite is akin to saying, "I want to renew our relationship." If you don't feel this way, inviting her could make things even worse. Are you angry enough that you can't forgive her? Are you concerned about there being a scene on the big day? Do you sincerely want to reach out and repair past wrong-doings? These are all questions to ask yourself before extending an invite. If you decide to invite her, I think it's wise to speak to her before you send an invite. Explaining your desire to work things out will smooth ruffled feathers and won't make the decision to invite her seem unconsidered. If you're not ready to mend fences, don't feel obligated to invite her.
Your wedding day is not the time for you to harbour negative feelings. Weigh all the pros and cons and use your judgement to make a decision. Respect your own feelings and you won't regret it later on.
cough up the cash!
Q. My fiance's parents have made offers to pay for certain aspects of the wedding, but are not very forthcoming with the cash. How can I approach the subject without out upsetting them and getting stressed out about it?
A. This can be a very tricky situation. I think the best way to deal with this is to let them know gently that those particular suppliers have requested deposits and will need a cheque within the next couple of weeks.
Approach it casually, but have invoices outlining the deposit requirement from each supplier that you can give directly to them. This way, you don't need to deal with the payment issues and his parents will be reminded of their offer to help out.
returning gifts when the wedding has been cancelled
Q. What would be the proper wording in returning gifts? The wedding has been cancelled and we need to return them.
A. Keep things short and simple (there is no need to give an elaborate explanation). To return each gift to the person that gave it, send the gift, along with a card that reads:
Dear XXXX,
Thank you for the toaster. At this time however, the wedding has been cancelled and I feel it is inappropriate to accept it. Thank you for the kind thought and effort, it has been greatly appreciated.
Warmest regards, XXX
divorce not through - alternative ceremonies
Q. We've set a date, but are worried that my fiance's divorce might not come through in time. What can we do?
A. Don't worry - there are a number of other options to consider.
Having a blessing could prove difficult, as not many vicars will be willing to bless a couple who is not yet married. Vicars differ in their flexibility, so your best bet is to explain the situation and see what your options are for a ceremony in the church.
Humanist weddings are increasingly popular for couple willing to have personal ceremony, without the legal aspects of a traditional marriage ceremony. As humanist ceremonies aren't recognized by law, the ceremony can be performed wherever you like. Contact the British Humanist Association at http://www.humanism.org.uk/ for more information.
A Commitment Ceremony is something that many couples who don't believe in the sacrament of marriage are doing to pledge themselves to one another. Often believed to be reserved for same-sex couples (not true!), commitment ceremonies are a VERY personal way of confirming your commitment to one another in front of your nearest and dearest. Your officiant need not be legally recognised, so you can ask a cherished friend or relative to do the honours. In any case, it sounds like you want your marriage to be legal.
If your date can't be changed, then perhaps a non-legal celebration followed by an official ceremony at a registrars office is the best route. If not, consider changing the date. You've got lots of time to warn guests and let suppliers know.
my kids aren't invited to the wedding
Q. My 9 and 12 year old are not invited to a sister's wedding. Since this is such close family, I feel it is rude to exclude them. What do you think?
A. Children at weddings is a difficult one.
It does seem to be increasingly common that children are not invited to weddings and I think this could be because couples are tending to get married later in life and hence a lot of their friends have children and this will bump the cost of the wedding up quite considerably.
I do sympathise with you and completely understand the reasons behind you wishing your children to be at the wedding, however I should think that the decision not to have children at the wedding was a very difficult one, and at the end of the day the couple's decision should be respected.
don't want gifts that aren't on our list
Q. As my home is very limited for storage space, I really can only home the gifts planned on the list. How can I politely inform guests?
A. Wedding etiquette is changing all the time. While guests are under no obligation to buy gifts, you will find that those attending your ceremony will almost certainly buy you a gift. Even ten years ago, gift lists weren't particularly common, and including one with your invitation would have been considered rude. Now it's standard practice - but that doesn't mean guests have to pick a present from one.
There is nothing wrong or presumptuous with having a wedding list. It is only considered bad taste if you try to force your wedding list onto your guests.
Spread the word to family and close friends that you are really limited for space and they can mention that to guests who ask. Word of mouth is the best way to guarantee your wishes, and not ruffle any feathers in the process!
who should walk me down the aisle?
Q. My parents are divorced, my mum remarried. The problem is, I have known my step-dad since I was 2, and have been raised by him. My father and I get along well, and have grown closer in recent years. Who walks me down the aisle?
A. Count yourself lucky to have two caring Dads! Why not make a feature of this and share the wedding honours between them. One Dad can give you away and one can make the speech at the reception. Perhaps the Dad who has brought you up all these years, putting up with all the growing pains and teenage angst, should be given the first choice.
Another alternative? Walk by yourself. The Church of England marriage ceremony has recently been altered to offer a mutual declaration of intent, rather than the traditional "who gives this woman..." After all, it is the two of you who are entering into this union of your own free will.
Just remember that if your two Dads really care about you, the last thing they will want to do is to upset your wedding plans; so explain how you feel and how you want to be fair to both of them. Be totally honest and open about your dilemma and let them know how much you appreciate both of them.
asking for cash instead of gifts
Q. We've been living together for two years, and don't need any of the traditional household appliances. Instead, we'd like to ask for money to put towards our honeymoon. How can we ask for it without offending people?
A. Asking for money was once a BIG no-no, but etiquette is slowly coming around on this issue. Having said this, it is still considered a faux pas to ask for cash outright. Spread the word to family and close friends that you are really hoping for cash and they can mention that to guests who ask. Word of mouth is the best way to guarantee your wishes, and not ruffle any feathers in the process!
You could also register with a gift service that allows you to add travel to the list. The confetti gift book features travel packages alongside more traditional items, like formal china and luxury bedlinens. Imagine having a whitewater rafting trip or dog-sledding break in Lapland on your wedding list. Voila - you're off on the holiday of your dreams!
inviting estranged relatives
Q. Am I obligated to invite an aunt that I really don't get along with?
A. Whether or not to invite an estranged relative to your wedding is a tough decision, and one that you should give careful consideration. You may feel obligated to invite your aunt because after all, a wedding is a family event. But if the mere thought of her makes you feel angry and upset, why should you risk feeling that way on the most important day of your life?
Ultimately, the decision to invite them should be based on circumstances surrounding the fall out. Sending your aunt an invite is akin to saying, "I want to renew our relationship." If you don't feel this way, inviting her could make things even worse. Are you angry enough that you can't forgive her? Are you concerned about there being a scene on the big day? Do you sincerely want to reach out and repair past wrong-doings? These are all questions to ask yourself before extending an invite. If you decide to invite her, I think it's wise to speak to her before you send an invite. Explaining your desire to work things out will smooth ruffled feathers and won't make the decision to invite her seem unconsidered. If you're not ready to mend fences, don't feel obligated to invite her.
Your wedding day is not the time for you to harbour negative feelings. Weigh all the pros and cons and use your judgement to make a decision. Respect your own feelings and you won't regret it later on.
cough up the cash!
Q. My fiance's parents have made offers to pay for certain aspects of the wedding, but are not very forthcoming with the cash. How can I approach the subject without out upsetting them and getting stressed out about it?
A. This can be a very tricky situation. I think the best way to deal with this is to let them know gently that those particular suppliers have requested deposits and will need a cheque within the next couple of weeks.
Approach it casually, but have invoices outlining the deposit requirement from each supplier that you can give directly to them. This way, you don't need to deal with the payment issues and his parents will be reminded of their offer to help out.
returning gifts when the wedding has been cancelled
Q. What would be the proper wording in returning gifts? The wedding has been cancelled and we need to return them.
A. Keep things short and simple (there is no need to give an elaborate explanation). To return each gift to the person that gave it, send the gift, along with a card that reads:
Dear XXXX,
Thank you for the toaster. At this time however, the wedding has been cancelled and I feel it is inappropriate to accept it. Thank you for the kind thought and effort, it has been greatly appreciated.
Warmest regards, XXX
divorce not through - alternative ceremonies
Q. We've set a date, but are worried that my fiance's divorce might not come through in time. What can we do?
A. Don't worry - there are a number of other options to consider.
Having a blessing could prove difficult, as not many vicars will be willing to bless a couple who is not yet married. Vicars differ in their flexibility, so your best bet is to explain the situation and see what your options are for a ceremony in the church.
Humanist weddings are increasingly popular for couple willing to have personal ceremony, without the legal aspects of a traditional marriage ceremony. As humanist ceremonies aren't recognized by law, the ceremony can be performed wherever you like. Contact the British Humanist Association at http://www.humanism.org.uk/ for more information.
A Commitment Ceremony is something that many couples who don't believe in the sacrament of marriage are doing to pledge themselves to one another. Often believed to be reserved for same-sex couples (not true!), commitment ceremonies are a VERY personal way of confirming your commitment to one another in front of your nearest and dearest. Your officiant need not be legally recognised, so you can ask a cherished friend or relative to do the honours. In any case, it sounds like you want your marriage to be legal.
If your date can't be changed, then perhaps a non-legal celebration followed by an official ceremony at a registrars office is the best route. If not, consider changing the date. You've got lots of time to warn guests and let suppliers know.
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